


Damaged Goods

by Elizlyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: #me too, AU, Absolute Trash, F/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, dont read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:26:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8907193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizlyn/pseuds/Elizlyn
Summary: AUish, set in a universe where all hunters have the anti-possession tattoo.Inspired in part by true events, the rest by my imagination, & the show of course.The stories told to Sam in chapter one are mine. The addition of a culprit is merely for stories sake. It made sense to me somehow.This story has been therapeutic for me, I needed to get the thoughts out of my head. Somehow the thought of someone knowing makes me feel better.





	1. First Date

Once upon a time I lived a somewhat normal life, now it sometimes feels like I live in a fairytale. Imperfect as it may be.  
Never thought that the ridiculously attractive guy that frequented the diner I work at would ever be interested in someone like me. But he always chooses the same table in my section.  
It didn't take long for him to ask me out, but it did take a few weeks of him consistently showing up to ask me to actually say yes. It's not that I wasn't interested, I was just terribly intimidated by him. Tall, handsome beyond belief, beautiful hazel eyes, rich brown locks nearly down to his shoulders. Tragically my type. The day I said yes was a day I'll never forget, he showed up with a single flower, a bright red tulip.  
"Holly, please go out with me." He flashed those big puppy dog eyes & my resolve melted. "Do I have to get on one knee? Cause I will."  
"You don't have to do that Sam... Alright, I'll go on one date with you."  
Patrons cheered like a cheesy romantic comedy & he gave the widest most gorgeous smile. This is what I was afraid of, every guy I go for turns out to either be a psycho or worse. They seemed to be the only ones that are attracted to me, like a nut job magnet. I just hoped that history wouldn't repeat itself.

I tried my best to dress nicely but I haven't bought new clothes in almost three years. Made due with black jeans & my nicest shirt. I was meeting him in front of the diner in one hour so I slipped on my converse & grabbed my bag. He was waiting with another tulip & ushered me into a blue sedan.  
He drove to a pizza place to pick up a pie, then to a drive in. They were having a marathon so we sat & talked for hours while watching black & white classics play out on screen. Conversation flowed until a familiar song started in the background.  
"Oh my god, this is my favorite movie. I can't even find it in dvd!"  
"Gaslight? Never heard of it."  
"Oh it's wonderful, I really hope you like it."  
We snuggled & watched the movie in silence. I felt so close to him though I barely knew him. He rated it as a bit contrived but impressed to see where modern suspenseful movies have taken it's lead.

"Would you like to go out with me again?" He'd offered to drop me off at home, but I opted to be dropped at the diner just incase.  
"I would love to Sam. What will we do next time?"  
"It's a surprise."  
He gave a mischievous wink & leaned in for a kiss goodnight. My panic flared at the intimate gesture.  
"I had a good time tonight." I fumbled out as I backed away from him slightly & he gave a hurt yet puzzled look. "Are you free tomorrow?"  
"For you? Any night is good for me." He gave a confident smile.  
"Meet you here tomorrow at six?" He confirmed so I rushed off before he could think about kissing me again. I wanted to take this one slow, old fashionedly so. I liked him far to much to rush, but still feeling the need to protect myself.

We'd been dating for a month before we had our first kiss. I let him drop me off at my front door for the first time & just before he walked away I leaned in to kiss him. He was so surprised it'd taken him a few moments to kiss me back. It was soft yet determined, he slid his hand to the small of my back & pulled me in before I got nervous & started rambling.  
By month three I'd invited him in for dinner. We found yourselves necking in front of the tv completely unable to focus on what was happening on the screen. Things were starting to heat up when Sam spoke up.  
"I think I'm falling for you." Sam breathes into my mouth mid kiss.  
Surprised I break the kiss to look at him. "Really?"  
"You're gorgeous, funny, & oh god are you tempting." He kissed me breathless, his hands gently caressing my back. He slowly brings one hand down to cup over my ass giving me a small test of a squeeze.  
"I think I feel the same way about you." I'm panting trying to catch my breath through my arousal as he kisses along my jaw & down my neck. His hands slide under my shirt & up my back, I had the feeling he was going for undoing my bra. "Sam. Mmm. Oh god, that feels good. Fuck. Sam, I-I'm not ready."  
Before I could really process what I'd said he'd frozen his ministrations & moved to the other side of the couch away from me. "I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment."  
"You're not upset?"  
"What? No, never. If you aren't ready than neither am I."  
I'd never found him sexier than I did at that moment, I wanted to rip his clothes off but I'd made a decision so I tried to stick with it.

He brought flowers to the diner on my birthday, red tulips again. No idea where he found them out of season. He'd taken me to the theater on valentines to see Phantom of The Opera. He picked yet another of my favorites, I was starting to think he was psychic. When the anniversary of our first date rolled around we picked up a pizza & he drove us to the drive in just like the first time. We were just joking around while waiting for the movie to start.  
"Holly, what is that on the screen? I can't read it, its to fuzzy."  
"Are your eyes failing you old man?" I joked as I turned to look at the screen. Once I'd seen it my eyes went wide. "Holy shit." Surrounded in a border of hearts it says 'Holly, will you marry me? -Sam' I looked over at Sam with wide eyes to see he's holding out a black ring box. He opens it to show a beautiful golden band with a larger diamond surrounded by smaller stones.  
"Will you marry me?" His eyes look nervous but his smile is bright.  
"I-I..." Tears are beginning to sting behind my eyes, I shut them to try to hold them back.  
"Holly? Baby, are you ok?" Concern wavering in his voice.  
"Y-yes." My breathing quickens as I quickly begin to hyperventilate. "Ya-yya." Stammering through panicked rushed breathing.  
"Yes you're ok?"  
"Nn-no." Shaking my head emphatically. "I-I need s-some ah-air." I turn away & pull the handle, stepping out of the car as fast as my body will take me. I hunch down grabbing my shaking knees with my hands trying to steady myself.  
Sam follows quickly, crouching down to rub my back with his large comforting hands & I slowly begin to calm. "Holly? Holly, what's wrong?"  
"I-I'm s-sorry." As my breathing steadies I lift my head to meet his.  
"Please tell me I didn't just send you into a full on panic attack."  
"I'm so sorry." Take slow deliberate breaths, trying to calm myself.  
"What did I do? Was it the proposal?"  
"I love you, I do. I want to marry you, but there is just so much you don't know about me."  
"Can't be any worse than what I've been needing to tell you."  
"You go first." I'm eyeing him somewhat suspiciously. As I straighten & lean against the car.  
"I want you to meet my brother first. He can help me explain it better."  
"Alright, I guess I can go first. But... Please, not here."

We drive home in uncomfortable silence, I made him promise to keep the ring until I'd told him what I've been dreading all this time. I now sit in my living room starring at my hands as they fumble in my lap trying to find the right words.  
"I tried to avoid you, but your just so damned charming." I giggle humorlessly trying to lighten the mood, but I really didn't know why. "The reason it took me so long to say yes when you asked me out is because you... Kind of scare me. I've never been attracted to someone like that before. I've been avoiding attachments."  
"Is that what you were so afraid to tell me?" He let a hopeful chuckle slip.  
"Uh, w-well, no. Not exactly."  
"It's ok, you can tell me anything."  
He placed a comforting hand on my knee & I took a deep breath, closed my eyes & exhaled shakily. I couldn't open my eyes as I spoke next, I didn't want to see how he'd look at me.  
"When I was young I got lost walking home from a friends house. I asked the first person I saw how to get to the street I was looking for. He... He took me, he tied me up in a basement of an abandoned house for days &... & he, uh." My throat tightened, Sam took my hand in both of his comfortingly. "He'd taken my clothes & tied my arms behind my back, my hands were stretched over my elbows. He put another rope around my neck & tied it to a pipe, when I tried to escape or struggle I'd choke. I'd tried to fight him, he was so much bigger than me, I didn't stand a chance. It hurt so bad. It burned, there was blood... He left me alone for a while, but when he came back... He told me I was such a good girl he wanted to give me a treat. He started petting me, kissing me all over. I begged him Sam, I begged him to stop so many times... He kept telling me I was a good girl & he wanted to... He was licking me, trying to get me to enjoy his sick game. But then he put it In my, my a-ass." I paused for another shaking breath, trying to find the courage to keep going. "Fighting & screaming. That was what he wanted, what he got off on. When he started to move, it was to much, I passed out. W-when he was done with me..." I let out a shaking humorless laugh. "I thought he was going to kill me, or worse he'd keep me. Instead he washed me, scrubbed me all over & took me back to the spot where he found me, gave me directions like nothing ever happened." I opened my eyes for a second unsure if I'd see pity or disgust.  
"Baby I'm so sorry." He looked like he wanted to cry, he also kinda looked like he needed to throw up.  
"I was five years old."  
"Oh god." The dam broke & he was crying openly.  
"I'm not done..." I whispered, eyes red although I refused to cry just yet.  
Sam squeezed my hand even harder. Like he was bracing himself for pain.  
"I was playing over at our neighbors house when I was seven. It was nothing new, I'd go play there almost every day. He was my only friend. One day he told me he learned a new game & he wanted to play cowboys. So I thought we would both be running around & trying to shoot each other with water pistols, & that's how it'd gone. Then naturally he'd capture me because he was the sheriff & I was a bank robber. He put on a pair of plastic handcuffs & put me in the jail that was the fort under his moms kitchen table. Everything was normal, exactly the way it had always been, but then he tried to tie my feet so I couldn't escape jail. I told him I didn't want to be tied up anymore, I didn't like it. He didn't listen. I tried to undue the plastic handcuffs so he tied me up with dish towels. I couldn't get out, he tied them to tight & my hands & feet were going numb. He started pulling down my shorts, I told him no, I yelled for his mom, I screamed but she was barely ever nearby. He told me he just wanted to see what it looked like. I wouldn't stop crying so he tied another dish towel around my mouth to gag me with. He pushed my knees to my chest & spread my cheeks apart so he could get a look. He told me he'd never seen girl parts before & he started to touch them. I tried to kick him away & that's when he stuck a finger inside me. It burned, but not as bad as before. Next thing I remember is his mom caught him with his pants down, him laying on top of me, saw how he had me all tied up. They moved the next day."  
"Shit." He tried to wipe away the tears I hadn't noticed were falling as I tried to describe it as detached & analytical as I could. "Nobody should have to endure that even just once, but twice."  
I gave him a sad smile & shook my head. "There's more... I was twelve, I was in an abusive relationship. He'd drug me, beat me, rape me, tell me I deserved it. All the while telling me he loved me, couldn't live without me, he'd rather kill himself than loose me. He was very careful not to leave marks that you could see with my clothes on, but underneath I was covered in bruises, cuts, & his 'love bites'. I believed him for a very long time, I was worthless. I stayed with him for... God, I don't even remember how long, I didn't know anything else, I was stupid. So very stupid & starved for human contact. I got pregnant... He pushed me down the stairs, killed my baby. I couldn't take it anymore, I told him I was done. He killed himself three days later."  
Sam looked at me as though he was in a state of mourning for my innocence. I'd never told another living soul all that'd happened to me. It hurt, but it felt right, like a weight lifting off my very soul. Wether he still wanted me or not I had to keep going.  
"When I was nineteen I went on a date with a guy, I don't remember where he said we were going but instead he drove to a vacant lot. Wrestled me down & shoved me into the back seat. I could barely breathe. He pinned my arms down & forced my legs open. Once he'd started... He uh, had my body twisted in such a way... I begged, I cried, I grasped for air. He was choking me. I don't remember when he got a condom, but I remember him making me thank him for not knocking me up like a dirty slut. After all that he was harassing me with taunting phone calls until I could finally change my number. Once I'd done that he'd started stalking me. He would mockingly wine at me all that I'd said to try to get him to stop, saying I was a good fuck & he couldn't wait to take me again, I just needed to learn to shut the fuck up. Lasted for three years, I was finally able to move then."  
"Why didn't you call the police?"  
"I didn't think anyone would believe me. I knew I could get through, I'd done it before. Not that it didn't have its hardships. When I was little I'd mostly cried myself to sleep every night. Then I'd upgraded to guzzling cough syrup to fall asleep. I stopped doing that when I drank an entire bottle trying to kill myself. Not that it'd ever stopped the attempts. I'd wet myself at night due to the nightmares, I had a drinking problem, drank more cough syrup than anything. I pushed everyone away, I had nobody to talk to about it. My family ignores me, I never had any friends so I've always been alone. I still get nightmares sometimes but to this day I can't go into basements."  
Sam pulled me into a warm hug. "I will always listen, always. If you ever tell me to stop. I don't care what we're doing, if you don't like it it stops."  
"There's something else I need to tell you, something I'm really not proud of."  
"Was there another attack?"  
"I lied to you, when I moved I changed my name. My name isn't Holly, I just didn't want anyone to be able to find me. Well, that &... I've read that for some survivors it can be rather common, but I still don't see how it happens. I do know that I'm somewhat needy when it comes to relationships. There are times that I'm starved for contact & others when I don't want to be touched at all. I guess what I'm getting at is I'm an addict. I don't do drugs anymore, I don't drink anymore, but crave sex almost all the time."  
"You're a nymphomaniac?"  
"I know, how fucked up is that." I groan & tuck my head into my hands. Thankful he never asked my name.  
"I don't understand, you barely came near me for the first few months. How can you be a sex addict?"  
"I wanted to make sure I really liked you. Sometimes sex clouds over all of the problems in a relationship & it's all I end up wanting, I'll think the connection is deeper than it actually is."  
"You were testing me?"  
"No, I was testing me. I needed to be sure of how I feel. I'm sure now." I reached out for him, grasping the sleeves of his soft flannel. "I want you."  
"I'll always want you too, I just..." He took a deep breath & looked me in the eye. "I'm not a salesman. I didn't want to lie to you either, I'm so sorry."  
"Baby, nobody is a salesman anymore." I worked my way closer to him on the couch. "What is it? Wetworks?"  
"You think I'm a hitman?"  
I've scooted up next to him snaking an arm across his chest & hugged onto his waist, my lips brushing along his neck. "You always smell vaguely of gunpowder & smoke." I take a lick at his skin & feel him shudder beneath me. "Am I wrong?"  
"Uh, yea. Not a hit man." His breathing starts to increase & I hear him swallow thickly.  
"So, what is it then. Camping? Hunting?" My hand around his waist slides up into his shoulder length hair, stroking his scalp.  
"H-hunting." His heartbeat quickens & breathing hitches.  
"Bad boy, going out there to shoot bambi's mother."  
Pulling gently on his brown locks while I kiss & nibble at his neck. He lets out a throaty moan.  
"No, not dear. W-we hunt monsters... My brother & I."  
I giggle in his ear as I swing one leg over his, straddling his lap. "Whatever you say baby." I push my hips back & fourth, grinding my self over his clothed, yet still growing erection. "Mmm." His hands grab & squeeze my ass changing the rhythm making my breathing shutter. "Oh god, Sam."  
We begin to pull at each others clothing in a race to get undressed. I begin to unbutton his shirt, kissing at his jaw. Once he's finally free of the offending garment I stroke his chest & stomach with my hands, kissing his lips as he's trying to remove my shirt. I pull away lifting my arms & he swiftly pulls it over my head, hands flying to my bra clad breasts to squeeze & tease.  
My eyes open to look upon his gently tanned skin. Upon seeing a familiar tattoo my jaw pops open & I begin to whimper. "Nnn... Nnn-no." I back away falling off his lap, he reaches out for me as I fall. Scooting back quickly as I try to escape. "Please no!"  
"Oh my god. Holly what happened? What did I do?" He reaches out for me again & I flinch despite the distance.  
With wide tear streaked eyes I point at his chest. "That tattoo... The man from the basement." I whisper.  
He quickly pulls on his shirt as the implications dawn on him. "It's ok, he will never find you, he's not here it's just us." He looks down at me silently crying on the floor. "Do you need to go outside?"  
I nod quickly as I struggle getting my breathing under control. He passes me my shirt & we leave the apartment slowly.

"I'm so sorry I freaked out."  
"He had this same tattoo? You're sure?"  
I card my hair in frustration. "I'm sorry, I feel so stupid. I just saw that fucking star & I was five years old again."  
"He was a hunter." Sam sighs. He wraps me up into a tight hug, kisses my hair as he rubs soothing circles on my back. "It's alright, I'll keep you safe, I promise."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One month later:

"Why are we leaving the bunker just to meet some girl. Why can't she come here?"  
Dean was being a dick today & Sam gave him a bitch face in response.  
"She has an issue with basements, we basically live in a giant basement."  
"Dean, I believe he desires you meeting her to solidify bonds & establish a safe comforting living environment." Cas explains on Sam's behalf.  
"Oh, you're sweet on her! Huh Sammy?"  
"I love her. I do want her to move in with us."  
"Oh..." Dean looks surprised but not necessarily disappointed so Sam takes that as a plus. He'd brought up me moving in before, he hadn't however let the L word slip till now.  
"Cas, I want you to come too. You're family, you belong there."  
"I'd be happy to Sam, thank you."

I walked up to the diner alone. Although I'd worked there I seriously thought about the safety of the situation inside. I was meeting his family, this was a huge step. My nerves got the better of me & I ran into the alley beside the building to throw up.  
"You can do this." I told myself out loud. "It's just his brother, it can't be that bad."  
I took a deep breath & walked back up to the entrance.  
I heard the bell jingle as I walked through the doors. I didn't see Sam's car so I knew he wasn't here yet. Sliding into a booth I ordered a drink while I waited, something fizzy to settle my stomach.  
The bell jingled but I didn't lift my head, I was flipping through tumblr on my phone while I waited & found a fic by my favorite writer to keep me busy. I was reading a particularly steamy scene featuring my favorite character of my favorite show when a deep voice snapped me back to reality.  
"Holly?"  
My head snapped up as I took in the dark haired stranger. "Yes?"  
"Oh good." He smiled at me as I sat there perplexed on who he was. "She's over here Sam." He called behind him.  
"Oh! You must be Dean." I reached out to shake his hand but he just tilted his head at me.  
"Sorry we're running behind. We ran into a small situation." Sam explained calmly as he slid into the booth next to me.  
"Small situation my ass! Fucker almost hit my car!" A bow legged man walks up behind Cas as he's sliding into the opposite bench.  
"Holly, the loud mouth over there is my brother Dean & this is Castiel."  
"Castiel? Nice to meet you." I smiled at him & he gave me a toothy grin. "Are you a roommate or..."  
"I am an angel of the lord." Cas replies bluntly.  
"Ooook then." My eyebrows scrunch together looking at the 'angel' across from me. "He's not kidding is he?"  
"Sorry, no. I didn't mean to spring that on you." Sam replies sheepishly as he shoots the angel a gently annoyed look.  
"So, uh... Sam has told me very little about his family, or his work for that matter. I don't really have family so I hope we get along." I smiled nervously at the two men across from me & Sam squeezed my thigh under the table.  
Dean seemed to be sizing me up before he spoke again, he didn't even look at the waitress as she took his drink order. "Why don't you like basements?" He blurts out.  
"Dean!" Sam kicks him under the table.  
"I was kidnapped & tortured in a basement."  
"Huh, join the club. I'm not afraid of a basement." He huffed cockily.  
"I was five you asshole." I gritted at his brother.  
"Sorry." Dean mutters.  
Castiel has been rather silent, seemingly just observing & taking in information both spoken & unspoken.  
The waitress placed the drinks on the table & took our orders. I thanked her as she left.  
"Do you both have the, uh." I begin to awkwardly gesture over my heart.  
"Anti-possession, of course. You'll be getting one too if..."  
"NO!" I yell a little to loudly & everyone seems to stare at me.  
"The man that attacked her was a hunter, he had the tattoo." He informs them & Castiel looks at me with sad eyes.  
"Who was he?" Dean demands with fury. "I'll track that bastard down."  
"I don't know his name."  
"We have contacts, we can find out. When & where was this?"  
"Dean, I'm..." Sam starts before I interrupt.  
"March of '95, Boston."  
"I'll track the bastard down, how dare he tarnish what hunters have fought for years to accomplish." Dean seems passionate in finding your first attacker.  
"Calm down Inigo Montoya, you don't need to go storm the castle over a girl you just met." Nobody other than Sam has ever been this nice to me, humor is my coping mechanism.  
Dean looks proudly over at his brother. "I like her, you need to lock that shit down."  
"Dean!" Sam gives him yet another bitch face.  
"Lock down is under construction presently." I reply quietly, unsure if anyone really heard me. Cas looked interested but said nothing.

The rest of the evening consisted of stories of their childhood on the road, their father & his passing, a few hunting stories. I mostly sat back as they reminisced over the past few years, asking questions about things I didn't know or thought they exaggerated.

"Oh come on, it's totally not what you think, it's really quite fast."  
"Dean, no." Sam chastised.  
"You're telling me you've never wanted to fly? or teleport?!"  
"I have, but I really would rather know where I'm going."  
"Cas could just drop you into Sammy's room, wouldn't that be ok?"  
"Dean! Seriously no!" Sam continues, he knows you're trying to exploit your fear of basements. He isn't sure what you'd think of the bunker.  
"Alright fine, how bad could it be?" You're not sure why you gave in, you wanted him to like you & he was hot, you knew that much.  
You all touched then the world practically shifted on its axis.  
"Do you feel ok?" Sam looked you over to make sure you were fine.  
"It's alright if you hurl on your first trip it happens." Dean adds.  
"I feel fine, a bit dizzy. But good." I looked around at the modest bedroom we landed in. "This is your room Sam?"  
"Uh, yea." He's looking at me as though I'm made of glass.  
"Alrighty, give me the tour." I'd noticed what was missing & made a note to keep an eye out.  
They showed me all around, somethings looked rather industrial, the rest looked like a lavish living area. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was built by some cult.  
"Are we underground?" I commented suddenly & everyone but Dean seemed to tense.  
"Yes, the entire structure is underground." Cas interrupts Dean's smirking.  
"Can you please show me the exit Castiel?" I asked him.  
"Of course it's this way." I followed him into the war room, sure that Dean was saving it for last. "Are you alright?"  
"I'm fine thanks."  
He leads me up the metal staircase & opens the door for me. We walk out together & I turn to look upon the outer structure.  
"Are you sure you're alright? You don't have to go back in if you don't want to." The concerned angel states calmly.  
"It's like a hobbit hole." I mumble to myself.  
"You don't think it's a basement?" He questions.  
"If I let myself think that way I may never go inside."  
I can hear the brothers argue as they make their way outside, heavy boots stomping up the metal staircase. They stop suddenly seeing me just starring back at them.  
"Holly? Are you doing ok?" Sam inches towards me.  
"I'm fine... So are you guys squatters or did you inherit it from batman?"  
"Oh Sammy, if you don't marry her I'm gonna steal her out from under your nose."   
"So romantic." I grimaced at Dean's comment. "I'm sorry Sam, I think I've been seduced."  
Sam rolls his eyes at me & comes over to take my hand. "So what do you think? Do you think you could live here?"  
"I don't know." I spared a look at each of the handsome men in front of me & pulled Sam in to whisper in his ear. "Do all of you live here?"  
"Yea, why?" He whispers back. "Dean is just teasing, he doesn't mean anything by it."  
"You really want to put an addict in with... All that?"  
"What are you talking about?" He whispers back. "Are you attracted to my brother?"  
"Do you want the short answer or the long answer?"  
"Both." He demands, no longer whispering.  
"Will you both excuse us, we have things to discuss."  
"Trouble in paradise already." Dean snarks.  
"Now." Sam sounds angry, I shrink back at the sound, dropping his hand & backing away. When they have gone back into the bunker closing the door behind them he turns back to me & I cringe expecting the worst. "I'm not mad, just talk to me."  
"You're all so good looking. I'm nothing, I'm glad if any of you even look at me. I'm still amazed you did. But flirting can get out of hand when it comes to an addict. Even being completely devoted to you, things happen."   
"So you don't think you'll be faithful to me?"  
"I'll try, I swear. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want anyone else."


	2. Moving On

I don't have many belongings, just six boxes & I'm fully packed up. I sold all of my furniture, dishes, odds & ends. Bought a beat up old car, as long as it runs. Just packed it all up & left, opened a p.o. box for my mail, quit my job & disappeared from the world. Even if someone reported me missing they don't even know my real name. I pulled into the garage at the bunker & Dean visibly sneered at my car.  
"What the fuck is that?" He created a shield between baby & my new, well, old car.  
"I needed a car."  
"It's an eye sore."  
"It's just a car, it's not going to taint your precious vehicle. I just need something to get around in, something that's mine."  
Dean visibly softens. "I tell you what, if you let me fix that piece of shit & I'll let you park it here."  
"Deal!" I turn to look at his smirking face. "Why do I feel like I made a deal with the devil?"  
"Don't worry, I won't make you kiss me."  
I blushed at his banter, not really sure what he meant. Rushing out of the garage to go find Sam.  
"Where's Dean?" He asked as I walked into the kitchen. "I was coming to help with your boxes."  
"I think I just tricked your brother in to restoring the car I bought."  
"That's fantastic, he loves doing that! What did you get?"  
I smirked at him, strode forward to press my chest against his, to whisper seductively in his ear. "El camino."  
"What?" He laughs. "Oh this train wreck I've got to see." He laughs.  
"It's what I could afford. It's kinda rusty orange, although that may not be paint."  
He laughs heartily as we walk back to the garage.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I've quite easily moved into Sam's room, he doesn't have many personal effects & neither do I. I'm quite eagerly awaiting our first time, not only in this room but, ever. Sam is in the shower, I'd love to have joined him but I didn't want our first time to be in the bathroom of all places. Been there done that, got a scar on my thigh as a souvenir. I'm digging through my new underwear drawer looking for my favorite pair, the ones that make my ass look just right. I plan to be sprawled out on the bed waiting for him when he gets back. I'm just sliding on my batman undies when I hear a knock at the door.  
"Yes?" I answer tentatively.  
The door opens & I reflexively cover my chest with one arm.  
"Holly do you... Oh god!" Dean's eyes widen as he realizes I'm only wearing panties.  
"I-I was waiting for Sam."  
"I am so sorry!" He's trying to cover his eyes. "Oh shit. Don't tell Sammy."  
"What did you need?" I asked him, I turned around leaning over the bed to grab my hoodie to cover up with.  
Behind me Dean is taking in the view, he schools his features & recovers his eyes as I turn around. "I, uh, don't remember really." He laughs.  
"You were coming to ask me something, I guess it'll come to you later." I'm telling him as I zip up, noticing the slight stiffening in his pants.  
He takes that as the signal to uncover, my legs are still bare but at least my chest is covered. "So you like batman?" He converses nervously.  
"Oh you naughty boy." I smirk back at him, batman is only on the butt of my panties.  
"Shit, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist, you've got a nice ass. Everything else isn't bad either." He's blushing bright red smirking at me cockily.  
"Don't tease an addict Dean." I told him as I rubbed my thighs together for a little friction.  
He makes a growling groaning noise in his throat, immediately clearing it to try to cover it up. "I, uh-I've got to go." He fumbled as he walked back out through the door.  
"That'd be best."  
I closed the door behind him, & looked through the box I didn't unpack. I started rubbing myself as I looked but could not find my dildo, I probably forgot to get it out of my old apartments dishwasher. I growled to myself in frustration & grabbed my iPad to order a new one. I picked out a rainbow realistic model with a suction cup for these gorgeous marble floors. Still rubbing on the outside of my undies I slipped my hand inside to tease my clit, totally not thinking about Dean. Absolutely not fantasizing about him walking in on me riding my new toy once it arrives. Definitely not thinking about him getting down on the floor with me, slowly penetrating my ass as I ride the silicone cock. I close my eyes & spread my legs wider as I near release.  
"Holly?"  
"Fuck!" I close my legs & pry my hand out of my underwear, my heart pounding in my chest. Bolting into a sitting position on the bed I see the flushed appearance of my boyfriend. His hard length jutting up from the towel wrapped around his waist.  
"You couldn't wait for me huh?" He smirks & drops the towel.  
My eyes drift down to his impressive manhood, then dart up to his chest. He's covered his tattoo with a large white bandage.  
I tilt my head to the side in confusion. "What's that for?"  
"I didn't want to scare you." He admits sheepishly.  
"Take it off."  
"But..."  
"Take. It. Off." I tell him as I slide my underwear down my legs. "It's a part of you & I want it. It just surprised me last time." I unzip my hoodie & toss it into the corner, pausing a moment to pinch my nipples as I look back to Sam's cock.  
He rips the bandage off, tossing it to the floor as he storms up to the bed. He crawls up the mattress settling in between my legs giving me a fevered kiss. I wrap my legs around his waist as my arms grab his biceps, grinding my pelvis into his.  
"So beautiful, can't believe I finally get to fuck you. How close were you to cumming when I found you?"  
"So close. Please, I need to cum. Please make me cum."  
I widen my legs to let him in. Instead of rushing in head on he sits up & massages my thighs with his thick hands. Kneading the flesh from knee to groin before moving on to my hips & abdomen. His thumbs keep brushing my pussy lips teasingly. Leaving whimpers of please on my lips.  
"Do you need it gentle? Or..."  
"Just fuck me."  
He strokes my pussy with two of his fingers, paying extra attention to my clit. He's alternating between stroking up & down & making tight circles on my hardened nub. He's looking into my eyes as he suddenly he thrusts those two thick fingers inside eliciting a surprised gasp at the stretch. He thrusts his fingers inside faster & faster. Just as I'm about to cum he adds his other hand, rubbing furiously on my clit making me scream in pleasure.  
"Oh god, more." I pull him to me & grab his cock, leading him into my entrance as I'm still coming down from my first orgasm. He slowly fills me & I bite my lip to keep from crying at how good it feels. My legs start to shake as he fully sheaths inside me. "Fuck." I gasp as my mouth falls open. He drags his cock out into the first thrust triggering my second orgasm. I clamp my mouth shut as the wave hits, bliss overriding my brain.  
"Open your eyes." I hadn't realized I'd shut them until then, opening them realizing he's looking at me. "You look so beautiful when you cum, I want you to look at me." He starts thrusting again, fucking me into the mattress & I fight to keep my eyes open. Not that his eyes aren't beautiful, gazing into each others eyes is a new experience for me. I realized then along with the moaning & keening I'd started begging. He starts thrusting almost fully out before slamming back in. "You like that baby?"  
"Fuck! Please! Don't stop!" Wetness is starting to seep onto the sheets & down Sam's balls.   
"Shit you're getting so tight, so wet... Ugh, I don't think I can last much longer."  
"Ah-ah, oh god. No, harder please! Just one more..." He starts pounding in harder & faster as I start chanting pleases & moans. My last orgasm comes in harder than I've ever felt before, shaking & crying silently screaming. So intense I feel like I'm going to pass out. Suddenly he pulls out stroking his cock furiously, cumming on my stomach. I lie there panting vaguely noticing the increased wetness.  
"Hm? What did you do that for?" I asked sleepily.  
"We never really discussed birth control." He pants as he drops down beside me, interlocking our fingers.  
"Depo Shot, lasts two & a half months. I got it when you asked me to move in."  
"Yea?"  
"So next time I want you to cum inside me. Ok?"  
"I dunno, still seems risky." He covers us both up with the blanket, wet spot be damned.  
"This from the guy that just fucked me without a condom, not knowing that I'm on birth control. Riiiiiiight."  
"How effective is it?" He asks with a mild bitch face.  
"Ninety nine percent, I've been taking it on & off sense I was sixteen. No babies yet."  
"But..."  
"Goodnight Sam." I give his cheek a peck & roll over, falling fast asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two months later:

In the morning Sam had gone on an early run alone. He'd tried to get me to go with him early on in the relationship, but after I threatened to kill him if he ever woke me again he decided to let me sleep in. Wise choice.   
I sleepily bumped into Dean on the way to the kitchen for breakfast.  
"Mmm, morning Dean." I mumbled sleepily.  
"Need some coffee there darling?" He offered me a mug.  
"You know I don't like coffee." I grumbled. I poked my head into the fridge to dig out a pepsi. I cracked one open to take a drink before making breakfast. "Ah, much better."  
"That stuff'll rot your teeth." He teases.  
"I cut down to two a day, I'll be fine." I take another long drink. "You do not want to see me without caffeine." I shudder to emphasize my point.  
You hear him mumble something of 'trust me I know' under his breath "What are you making?" He glances into the mess of ingredients on the counter.  
"Waffles, you want some?" I say as I turn around to dig the waffle iron out of the bottom cabinet.  
"Oh hell yea. You get your cook on there Bobby Flay, I'll eat it up." At this point neither of us are sure if he's talking about the waffles or me bending over in tiny sleep shorts.  
"Will you grab the bacon out of the fridge? I've got a craving." I tell him as I preheat the oven.  
"You are not making bacon in the oven." He makes a face at me.  
"Just sit down." I know I've been a bit harsh with him lately, but I try to be nice to him.  
Nearly twenty minutes later I'm serving up waffles with strawberries & whipped cream with a side of bacon.  
"This looks amazing."  
"Thanks." I reply as I happily set down a plate for Sam who has yet to arrive.  
"Oh my god. The bacon is perfect! How do you do that?"  
"It's not rocket science, just put it in a cake pan to collect drippings, then bake for fifteen minutes."  
"Genius." He chews happily.  
"It's on the package." I giggle.  
"Sammy! She made bacon!" Dean announced with a mouthful. As his brother walks into the room.  
"I made waffles." I corrected as I offered him some juice.  
"Looks great thanks." He gives me a peck on the cheek as I'm piling strawberries on top of mine.  
"What are you doing later?" Sam asks.  
"Washing the sheets, why?"  
"You want to go to the range later?"  
"Nah, I'll leave the hunting to the professionals."  
"Well then... You want to watch a movie with me instead?" Dean asks.  
"Much more my speed, what are we all watching?"  
"Who said Sammy was invited?" He shot a look at his brother I couldn't quite identity. "It's more of a uh, me & you thing."  
I looked between the two of them in confusion. "I don't understand." Then I locked in on Sam. "Why would you do this?"  
"I just want the two of you to get along."  
"We get along fine." Suddenly I feel a spike of anxiety. "You can't do this to me." I yell whisper at him.  
"Wow, I didn't think you liked me. But this just..." Dean looks offended, shit.  
"I like you, I have no reason not to like you." Inspiration hits. "Can I take a rain check? Maybe in the next five days?" If my calendar is correct I'll be on my period then, no chance for trouble but high chance of attitude.  
"What's wrong with today? You've got better plans? You said just laundry." Sam is being suspiciously pushy about this.  
"I was going to get out for a few days." I lied. "Just picking up a few things from the p.o. box." Luckily I opened a box in the next state over, & I haven't picked anything up sense it opened so I did have a few packages.  
"Great, Dean can go with you." He answered smugly.  
"You don't understand, that's a really bad idea."  
I was having issues on focusing on all that was said. Sam was upset that I could not accept the simple request to get along with his brother. Dean thinks I hate him & that I'm trying to monopolize all of his brothers time.  
"Please Holly. This would mean a lot to me, I need you two to get along."  
"And I told you I'd try to be faithful, I've been avoiding him because I'm attracted to him! Are you satisfied?! Will you leave me alone now?!" I snapped, I get that. Now I'm not just running out of frustration but also embarrassment. Sam may not want me back after this... Did I just fuck everything up? I close the bedroom door & begin to pace. Fuck I ruined it, I know it. I begin crying & packing, sure in the knowledge that this would be the end of out relationship.  
Sam gingerly opens the door to poke his head inside. "Are you ok?" His brows furrow in confusion. "You're packing?"  
"I'm sorry, I don't want to come between the two of you."  
"I understand. I'm not happy about it, but I get it."  
"It won't take me to long to get packed up. What I miss you can keep."  
"Baby I don't want you to move out. I want to find a way around this."  
"Please don't make me travel with him alone. I don't want to fuck this up, I just don't trust myself."  
"It's alright, we'll get to that point later. You take the day, go get the mail. We'll see you tomorrow."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I made a stop at a planned parenthood for a new birth control shot then straight to the post office. Paper mail other than the odd gift card or check all went directly into the trash. Three arm fulls of boxes & a giant padded envelope had it feeling like christmas. Could barely wait till I got home, however, my period arrived early so movie night with Dean went without so much as a flirt. On my end at least. I really didn't want to have sex with Dean, but sometimes he just got under my skin. There was an attraction, but right now nothing attracted me more than chocolate.  
"I'm proud of you, you did so well." Sam pulled me into a kiss that he quickly attempted to heat up before I pushed him away. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, I just don't want to."  
"Oh shit, already?"  
"Yea."  
"Do you want me to rub your tummy?"  
"Mmm, yes please." I hop into bed & pull my shirt up over my abdomen. Sam lays on his side next to me, rolling my underwear down slightly, making sure they stay on. He rubs soothing circles under my belly button & I sigh in relief.  
"Cramps?"  
"Smaller this time thankfully." He hums in understanding as the soothing circles lull me to sleep.

In the morning Sam made chocolate chip pancakes then I carried all the boxes into the war room to open with the guys. Sam gave me one of his pilfered credit cards so I mostly bought things for the bunker or for the boys. First item ended up being the crockpot Dean requested. New sheets, my favorite shampoo, new flannels for the boys. Then Sam opened the padded envelope, immediately blushed then shoved it out of sight.  
"What is it?" I asked him with a confused expression.  
"It's personal." He shoots back defensively.  
"It's my mail." I laugh. "What is it? Is it my new underwear?"  
"Uh, no." He's squirming uncomfortably.  
"Oh! I almost forgot! Gimme, I wanna see it!"  
His eyes go wide. "Here? But... Dean is watching."  
"Oh please, he's a grown up, he'll get over it. Now gimme!"  
He passes over the parcel & I quickly pull the package from the envelope, my eyes going wide & sparking with interest. "Wow, it's bigger than I thought it'd be." I pull the rainbow colored cock from the packaging. "I don't normally order them this thick."  
Dean spews his drink comically. "Jesus! We eat in here... Sometimes."  
"It's not like I'm gonna ride it on the table, grow up." I scoff at him while I play with it in my hands. "Ooh, flexible. My old one was so stiff."  
"Oh my god." Sam groans in embarrassment.  
"Oh come on, it's not like you two don't masterbate."  
"We don't talk about it!" Dean looks flushed.  
"Ok, I'll go put it away... Ya bunch of prudes." I jog over to my room I share with Sam to find a place to store it before it can be used. Next week I'll make a plan to be alone to use it.  
When I got back to the war room they'd found my new underwear & a pair of cover alls for Dean to wear in the garage. 

Dean was in the garage working on one of the cars that the men of letters left behind. He said once he fixed all of those he'd work on 'the piece of shit' as he affectionately calls my car.  
Sam was researching to find their next case & I was mysteriously alone. My period ended four days ago & I was extremely excited to try out my new toy. I carefully dug it out of the drawer I keep my gaming controllers in & ran my hands over the shaft. It was pleasantly vaned but not unrealistically so, there was a thickness to that had me quivering in anticipation. It's nearly the same size as Sam & that's giving me some very naughty thoughts. I stick the suction cup to the floor near the bed & fish the lube out of the bed side drawer setting it near by. I grab a towel from the closet & strip my clothes making my way over to the toy. I click open the lube to coat the dildo generously before adding a bit to my pussy to make sure I'm wet enough. Wiping my hand clean on the towel I position my hips over the toy. It's thick like Sam too, so I know I need to start slow. I'm teasing at my clit as I slowly start lowering onto the toy, moaning as it passes over all the right spots. Finally fully stretched over the toy I begin to move my hips, bouncing over the silicone cock. It curves just enough to rub over my gspot making me wish I'd wrapped the towel around it as cum begins to slick the floor. My eyes flutter shut, one hand still working on my clit while I fondle my nipples with the other. "Oh shit... Ugh..."  
"Oh fuck." A wrecked voice calls from the door way, I didn't hear open.  
I can't stop now, I'm so close. My eyes open slowly, hoping the voice will come closer. "Mmm, please... Can't stop, just get out." My voice surprisingly steady as I'm trying to hold off my orgasm.  
"You're sure? You know I want you as much as you want me." He's palming his erection through his pants as he watches me.  
"Please, I'm begging you... GET OUT!" I yell at him. "God damn it Dean! Go get Sam!"  
"I'm sorry, I thought..."  
"GET OUT! GET OUT!" Can't stop, I've got to go faster...  
He slams the door behind him as he goes. I just hope he doesn't come back, I'm not sure if I'll be able to reject him again. Surprisingly Dean did as I asked, soon after the door opened & Sam stood there stunned as he watched me bouncing on my new toy with vigor.  
"Come here." I beg him, not caring about my neediness.  
"I can't believe you! You let him watch you like this!" He can see how wrecked I look, I've been edging my orgasm hoping for a big pay off. My shins are slipping on the floor making it go deeper inside my pussy as I slide on my own juices.  
"Please Sam. I don't want him, I just want you." I slow my movements again trying to hold off. "Only you Sam."  
"Where do you want me?" He seems unsure about the situation.  
I fold the towel & put it down in front of me so he won't slip. "Here, I need to suck your cock."  
He quarks an eyebrow at me in surprise. "Really? I though you hated that?"  
"I need to, I want to show you what you mean to me."  
He walks up close stepping on the towel, my lust blown eyes looking up at him as I unzip his pants. I speed up on trusting into my dildo slightly, anticipation making my clit tingle.  
I free his half hard cock from the confines of his boxers, tugging them & his pants down. Taking him in my hand I kiss up & down his length leaving little kitten licks as I go, enticing him into full hardness. Once his cock is erect enough for me to let it go I lightly rub his balls with my right hand, taking care of my nipples with the other. I lick his tip & frenulum trying to add more pressure there with the flattened tip of my tongue. Taking his cock into my mouth I hollow my cheeks & bob my head up & down as much of him as I can take in while still breathing through my nose. I can tell he's getting close by his breathing I pull off with a pop letting my lips get wet with saliva I run my open lips over his length while flicking my tongue teasingly. It's wet, it's sloppy & Sam is moaning like a porn star. I take as much of him onto my mouth as I can, attempting to deep throat him but he's so big he doesn't really fit. I pick up the pace, bouncing on the dildo with gusto making my efforts more enthusiastic. I reach down collecting some of my flowing cum to lube up two of my fingers with the hand I was using to fondle my nipples I use that hand to stroke him gently from his perineum to his anus. His breathing is picking up so I speed up my thrusting to get myself off, the one that isn't stroking him is now using the same speed on my clit. I bob my head faster & he clutches onto my hair as I feel him start to spurt into my mouth I slow down with my mouth keeping my stroking steady until he stops & I swallow around him. He lets go of my hair panting as he sits on the bed. I bounce harder, rubbing myself faster just on the cusp of getting off. Suddenly it powers through me & I scream out through my orgasm, my legs shaking. My vision goes white, Sam catches me before I fall over carrying me to bed. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good morning Dean." I greet him cheerily. "Sorry about last night. We're still friends though right?"  
"Uh, yea sure, whatever." He answers gruffly.  
"What do you want for breakfast?" Ask as I'm digging through the fridge for caffeine. I get no answer so I look over my shoulder to see him storming out of the kitchen. "Dean?" I call out confused. "Hey, wait up!"  
I catch up to him as he's about to climb into the impala. I stand in front of his car in my pajamas so he can't get past.  
"What do you think you're doing?"  
"Where are you going?"  
"Holly, seriously, move."  
"No, talk to me. Are you mad about last night?"  
"No! Now move!"  
"What did you think was going to happen Dean? Did you think we were going to run off into the sunset together? You think Sam'll want to share? What's your thought process here?"  
"I don't want to hurt my brother, I just..." He stops talking & looks away, then exits the impala heading towards me. "Fuck it." He holds my face with two hands bringing me into a gentle kiss that slowly picked up heat. My hands grabbed onto his shirt to tug him closer, all thought flew from my head as the overwhelming need took over. It quickly grew in passion as we began to pull at each other's clothes & hands began to wander. Suddenly he tugs his shirt over his head & dives in for another kiss.  
My head pulls back staring at his tattoo. "Sam..." I look up into Deans eyes heartbroken. "I need to talk to Sam." He calls out to me as I sullenly walk to the garage door. "I'm sorry, I have to tell him what I've done."

~~~~~~~~~~~

"You packed again? What's wrong?" I hadn't packed up my stuff like this sense I confessed to being attracted to his brother. He was confused & hurt.  
"I hate myself. I've always hated myself, but now it's worse... I'm so sorry Sam."  
"What did you do?" He demands with a firm voice.  
"I fucked up. I stopped but the damage is done."  
"What happened?" He sounds more concerned then pissed, it's just making me feel worse.  
"I went to talk to Dean to apologize. I don't know why, I think just didn't want him to hate me. He ran off, I chased him, we argued, he kissed me, I took it way to far. If he didn't have that tattoo of yours I don't know that I would have thought about you at all. Although I'm sure I would have hated myself even more after." Crying I dig the heel of my hands into my eyes, I don't deserve him, I never did.  
"I knew what I was signing up for when you moved in. I'm proud of you for stopping, I'm glad you told me. It's alright." He scooped me up into a big comforting bear hug.  
I sobbed profusely. "Y-you d-deserve s-s-so much better! I-I'm horrible!"  
"No baby, you're not. I get it, I was an addict once too remember? You're so strong for resisting."  
"P-please don't hate your brother. It's my f-fault."  
"It's nobody's fault, it just is. You're a lot alike, & you both really enjoy sex."  
"I'm so sorry."  
"I know baby, it's ok. Let's get you unpacked."  
Sam Winchester is a fucking saint, what did I do to deserve this perfect being?


	3. Embarrassing Moments

A family meeting was called, Cas mediated. Talk about humiliating.  
"I don't understand, I thought Holly was romantically involved with you. Why would she & Dean 'make out'." Cas made air quotes & tilted his head to the side.  
"Oh god, I'll do anything not to have this conversation."  
"I do not believe my father has any opinion on this topic one way or the other."  
"Yea, thanks Cas." Dean snarked.  
"Is that sarcasm?" He looks into the group like a rather confused but happy puppy.  
"Anyway... Holly & Dean are attracted to each other. I love her, she loves me. I'd like for us to all get along but I think the tension between the two of them is turning volatile."  
"Perhaps you should look into alternative means of... Satisfying the tensions rather than allowing them to turn on each other." Hello captain obvious.  
"Don't I have a say in this?" I speak up while they all avoid looking at each other.  
"Of course you do, but, I might not be enough for you."  
"Is that what you think? Sam, you are more than enough! I'm not good enough for you. I'm broken, one small sign of sexual attraction & I'm... Fuck I'm such a slut."  
"Would it be alright if we tested this theory?" Cas looked perplexed, & determined to reach an end. This lead to the extremely awkward turn of events of me spending time alone in a room with each of them. Cas removed his coat & jacket, kept asking me if things were pleasing to me. His idea of flirtation was both entertaining & laughable. Needless to say, no attraction what so ever. Kissing him had a strange sensation of soft, pleasant, but so very wrong. A taboo type of feeling, like kissing your father.  
Sam & I talked like we always do, easy conversation & joking banter. The attraction is obviously there. We snuggled, made out, everything short of having sex. I love him, I want a future with him, I'm just not convinced I'm good enough for him. Or anyone for that matter.  
I tried to sit as far from Dean as I could, but he moved to sit right next to me. I'm sure I was blushing, I just hope he didn't notice.  
"I don't like this anymore than you do." He says, his hand gravitating to my thigh.  
"Then why do this?"  
"I don't want to hurt Sammy, I know you don't want to either. I just... I want you." His hand squeezes up my thigh roaming towards my crotch, my breath is caught in my throat.  
"Please don't touch me like that." My senses are on fire, how does he make me burn up like this? He makes all my synapses spark, makes me feel so alive.  
"I can see how much you want me, you don't have to hide it."  
Slowly I begin shaking with need, desire, sheer lust, frustration. Then all of a sudden it bottle necks & explodes into fury. I slap his hand away & bolt up from the couch. "Are you an addict Dean? You sure act like one!" In anger I turn to look at his confused expression. "It could be anyone. Am I right?"  
"Where is this coming from? What did I do to piss you off?"  
"That's it isn't it? We're only attracting each other because we're addicted."  
"I'm not an addict damn it! I just... I..."  
"You what? You want to fuck me don't you?"  
"I do, I really do."  
"How many partners have you had Dean?"  
"That, uh. That's not relevant."  
"I'll tell you my number if you tell me yours. Sam doesn't even know that yet."  
He mumbles under his breath & I patiently wait while he actually blushes. God damn it he looks so cute when he's nervous. I'm staring at his lips getting lost in his features, then suddenly he clears his throat snapping me back to attention. "Do blow jobs count?"  
"In this case yes, I'll count all types of sexual partners."  
"Shit... Gimme a second." I'm impressed with his ability to do math in his head, I have trouble with that myself. "Conservatively, about fifty two... Give or take. Your turn."  
"I lost count a while ago, I used to write them all down. But I believe I'm up to thirty five or so, counting consensual & non consenting."  
"How many were boyfriends?"  
"About ten? Four friends. Oh & one woman."  
"We're you drunk?" He laughs.  
"On her yea. That &... The, um, audience." I giggled.  
"That's fucking hot. Why just the one girl? Not that into it?"  
"That's just the way it happened, I'm pansexual. So I'm surprised on that myself."  
"Pan sex?"  
"Pansexual, I don't care how you identify, I just care that you turn me on." He still looks confused. "Castiel is in a male vessel, but he's not a man, he's like... Made of energy & shit. If he identified as a man still even though he took a female vessel & still dressed as a man I wouldn't care. I don't seem to be attracted to him that way but if I was it wouldn't bother me what vessels he chose."  
"Would you count those as one person for your magic number or would you count each meat suit?"  
"That... Seems to be a grey area, I don't know." I genuinely laughed for the first time today. "You've officially stumped me."  
"Alright times up." We hadn't noticed Cas show up, but I hope he didn't hear us talking about him. "You seem to not have been in a state of undress. What were you doing so we may replicate this in the future."  
"Talking about sex." Dean blurts out.  
"With other people, not with each other." I add.  
"I do not believe that is going to prevent anything from occurring." Interjects in an irritated fashion.

At Sam's request I set up my own exercise schedule to burn off excess energy. I still won't run with him, but I did find an exercise room in the bunker. I typically have it to myself, I don't stick around when someone else comes in. I'll occasionally find either Sam or Dean staring at me while I do yoga or use the treadmill.  
I've temporarily moved out of Sam's room, this one Cas' idea. We aren't having sex right now either. Trying to figure out where my body will lead me. Who do I get along better with? Who turns me on the most?  
At the moment my body is leading me to the showers, I listen to music or books on tape while I exercise. Today I got lost in thought, partly tuning out the music as my jog on the treadmill varied from a stroll to full on running.  
I grabbed a towel & my basket of toiletries from the closet & made toward the bathroom. I heard someone in one of the shower stalls so I picked one as far from that as I could & closed the curtain. I put my towel on the hook & set down my basket before undressing. I placed my clothes outside the stall & turned on the water as hot as it will go. As I stepped into the steamy spray I tried to clear my mind, which is difficult to do when your busy ruining your relationship with your only friends. At least that's what I think about the situation. Why can't I have both? In my head I'm trying to rationalize why it would work. Completely ignoring why it wouldn't. As I wrap the towel around myself & walk out of the shower I see Dean stepping out of the other stall. As I'm about to open my mouth to talk to him he turns & walks away without so much as a word. What was that all about? This is strange, so unlike him. I shake the thought & go on with my day.  
As the day rolls on I don't see Dean at all, Sam & I chat, we hang out, play a video game or two in the library. But even at dinner, Dean is nowhere to be seen. I bush the strange rejected feelings aside & put his portion in the fridge as I clean up the kitchen. As I'm putting the dishes away Dean stumbles in drunk, takes one look at me & practically runs away. He is avoiding me! What did I do now?

I found him early the next morning, I woke up early enough to corner him in his room but he wasn't there. Instead he was in the garage, working under my car... He never works on my car.  
"Dean?"  
"Uh, yea?" His body stiffened under the jacked up vehicle. He never looked out from underneath.  
"Are you avoiding me?"  
"I uh. No... Not exactly."  
"Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"  
"Fuck." He mutters under his breath. "No, never, you didn't do anything."  
"Then why?"  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"You can talk to me about anything. It might help you feel better if you talk about it."  
"I can't. I can't talk to you about this, I just can't."  
"Then talk to your brother, talk to Cas. Tell somebody."

Dean spent the next thirty minutes talking in his room with Sam. When they came out they were both drunk. Dean was avoiding me again, big surprise. Sam was waisted, he told me over & over how much he loves me. Then he kept telling me he was sorry & cried a lot. Nobody told me shit, this was getting old.  
In the morning I'd gone to the kitchen to make breakfast to find both boys, very hung over, waiting for me. Sam was grasping onto his coffee like it was the only thing keeping him afloat.   
"Mornin" Sam groaned into his cup.  
"Rough night huh? What were you boys just binge drinking or did it have a purpose?"  
"We were just talkin, it's none of your business." Dean grumbles & winces.  
The words practically take the air out of me. "Oh, I see. So that's how it's going to be." I didn't need an answer, I didn't need to know what they decided. They wouldn't look at me. I stomped out of the kitchen & back to my new lonely room. I shoved a book under the door to jam it shut. I was angry, I needed to direct my aggression. I could have talked it out or done something constructive. But I did not take the adult approach, my anger took me to a destructive place which is a place I rarely go. I don't know why I did it, I guess I saw it coming. Last week I found a bottle of jack in the library & I took it, I hid it under my bed & forgot about it. I don't like getting drunk, I don't like what it does to me. I loved getting high, but that wasn't an option. I twisted off the cap & tried my damnedest to chug the burning liquid. I must be out of practice, I used to do this with straight moonshine. But I knew the faster I drank it the quicker it'd take effect. Screw them, they don't get to decide my life.  
"Holly are you alright?" Sam asks through the door.  
"Fuck off."  
"Can't we talk about this?"  
"Oh you've been talking plenty without me. Haven't you both figured it all out?" I've only made it through a quarter of the bottle, gotta drink faster.  
"Come on baby let us in." Oh great, Dean is here. Almost half way, gotta get more down. I wipe some away from my chin as it dribbles down.  
"You're a shit, you're both shits."  
"Are you drunk?"  
"Noooooo." I draw it out to long. Prompting a giggle out of me. Oh good, more booze, I've gotta finish it.  
"Open the door." The handle is jiggling. Shit, almost done.  
"I know you're mad. It's ok to be angry, but we've got to talk this out."  
"Fine, you talk, I'm busy." Fuck, it's gone. I toss the bottle at the door. Now I'm really pissed.  
"What was that?! Are you ok?" Dean is trying to shove through the door & is slowly succeeding.  
I drunkenly start to break down. "You don't want me anymore." I blubber through tears. I pick up one of the large pieces of bottle that landed by me on the floor. Just staring at it through the tears. "Why do I break everything?"  
"Hey! Put that down!"  
"Fuck off Dean." I try to toss it at him, missing horribly & it smashes on the floor. "I haven't cut myself sense I was nineteen. Haven't gotten drunk sense I was twelve..." I trailed off, not wanting to look at them, I know what they are going to say. 'Get out, you're wrecking everything.'  
"Baby what's going on?" Dean is trying to get me to look at him.  
"Don't call me baby." I seethe.  
"Alright, I'm sorry. It's ok. I promise I won't, but you've got to listen. Alright?"  
"We uh. We've got some... News. It's about the hunter that hurt you."  
Fear, all I can feel now is fear. Is he coming? Does he know where I am? My breathing picks up, & I start to hyperventilate. Panic. I feel sick. I dive for the garbage can & unload into it.  
"Let it out, there you go." Dean rubs in between my shoulder blades & holds back my hair.  
"Don't let him hurt me." I whimper out when I'm finally finished heaving.  
"He's dead, he can't hurt you." Sam uses his comforting voice, the one he uses when he's trying to lull me to sleep. "I'm sorry if you think we've been avoiding you."  
"The news just hit us a little hard. But we're going to get through this. You take a nap, sober up a little & we'll talk."  
"I'm not a baby. You tell me now."  
"I'm much to sober for this." Dean groans as he wipes his face with his hand like he does when he's upset & trying to school his features.  
Sam keeps his distance as Dean tries to soothe me by carding his fingers through my hair. It's working but I'd never tell him that. I'm brought out of it by Sam speaking in hushed tones, as if saying it out loud will break everything we hold dear. "His name was John, he was our father."


	4. Making Up

After drinking my breakfast I woke up in a tangle of limbs, every muscle was sore. I blearily looked around to see Sam on my right, Dean on my left. I laid back down in a huff rubbing my hands on my tear stained face. My knuckles are bruised, fuck they hurt, I hope I didn't punch anybody. The guys are starting to stir, I take that as my cue to try to escape. I try to scoot my way down the bed to get out but a hand flys out to capture my arm. I look up to see Dean, eyes still closed, with a hard grip on my arm. He pulls me back up the bed & wraps me in a bruising hug. Draping one of his legs over mine.  
"Please don't leave." He sounds like he's been awake the whole time, just waiting for me to move.  
Sam rolls over & I look at everything but him. Not sure what he'd think of seeing his brother wrapped around me like this. "How are you feeling?"  
"I've got to go." I try to wriggle out of Dean's grip, he just holds on tighter.  
"Please stay. We don't want you to leave." Sam pleads, he sounds as though he got some sleep. His clothes look slept in.  
"I don't want to... I just want to be alone."  
"We can get through this sweetheart." Dean begins petting my hair & for the first time it's making me uncomfortable. More than that with the addition of the pet name, it makes my stomach lurch.  
"Stop! Don't call me that! Let me go!" I'm struggling & kicking out with all my strength. He finally let me go, I unloaded into the garbage can once again. Nobody picked up the glass from last night so I pulled on my shoes & walked out the door. No clue where I'm going or if I plan to stay.  
I need to get out, I felt trapped, I didn't want to leave I was honest about that at least. I needed to hide.  
The plan didn't got exactly as I'd put it down in my head, I ended up raiding Dean's stash again. Got extremely drunk, thankfully they found me before I opened another bottle, but in my drunken state I hated them for it.  
"Well which one of you is gonna do it?"  
"What are you talking about?" Sam is trying his best to be supportive but his tone is somewhat put out.  
"Who wants to play daddy? Get me all tied up. Hmm?"  
"That will never happen. Ever."  
"May as well, what do you say Dean? You wanna go first? You can be daddy, then tomorrow Sam can try."  
"We would never hurt you, you know I can't do that!" Dean was trying to keep his distance, he looked angry & heartbroken.  
"This is what I need from you. You want me to stay here? You'll do it." I wasn't looking at Sam, I was looking directly at Dean.  
"No." He states flatly.  
"I remember everything, it'll be easy. I'll talk you through it. Call me sweetheart one more fucking time Dean. Tell me I'm a good girl you asshole! Have I been a good girl Dean?!" The last thing I remember before I blacked out is lunging at him.

I woke up feeling like I needed to throw up, & my head was in a vice. I hate hang overs, why am I alive? I rolled to the edge of the bed, not caring if I fell off. A pair of strong hands held out in front of me stopped the tumble. Startled & fearful from nightmares I flinched away.  
"Can we try this again?" Why is Dean here? Where's Sam?  
"Uugh, I feel like death."  
"You got some good shots in." He's rubbing his sore jaw. "How much did you drink?"  
"I don't know, a fuck ton."  
"You're a hell of an angry drunk, emo, but angry."  
"I can't deal with guilt right now, just go away." I retreat into the covers & will myself to dissolve into nothing.  
"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I brought you some aspirin & water." He held it out for me, but his face told me that he wasn't done talking.  
"I don't want it. I don't deserve it after what I asked you to do."  
"If it'll help you, I'll try. But I want you to enjoy it, I need you to really want it."  
"I can't, I shouldn't have asked. I was scared of you, I lashed out. You were... Talking like him."  
"You're afraid of me?"  
"Sometimes." I'm feeling exceptionality honest, I don't want to lie.  
"No more drunken fights alright? You really shouldn't drink."  
"Alright, I promise. No more drinking drama."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few months later

I kept my promise, I quit drinking. I kept up with my depo shots even though no sex was being had. Temptation was rampant, Dean took every opportunity to shamelessly flaunt his sexiness. Flirtation with both men was off the charts. Sam was more subtle, he took more of a romantic approach than his older brother. Not that he wasn't 'accidentally' caught topless or fresh from the shower in just a towel. Oh god, this will be the death of me. Every night I dream about having sex with one or both of them. That's always been a fantasy of mine, but how does one broach the subject of wanting to be the filling in that naughty sandwich?  
Tonight I had a particularly realistic dream about Sam sneaking into my room late at night. He crawled into my bed & slowly pulled off my sleep shorts, lazily lapping at my pussy lips. His tongue had barely made it inside finding my clit when I let out a moan & jerked awake. It wasn't a dream, he was here under the covers now sucking my clit with his lips & teasing my entrance with his finger.  
"Oh god, that's not fair."  
He said nothing, sliding a finger into my dripping pussy. Leaving me a moaning mess.  
"Oh yes... Sam!"  
Everything stopped. Oh no... He wouldn't.  
"Dean?"  
"Uh, yea." His gruff embarrassed voice rumbled from below the covers.  
"Oh my god!" I tried my best to cover my exposed wetness, trying to get him out from beneath the covers. "What the fuck?!"  
"I, uh. I don't know.... I thought that maybe..."  
"I was dreaming about Sam." I felt the need to explain.  
"Oh." He looked more relaxed. "So do you want to keep going?" He placed a hand on my thigh.  
"Please don't take this the wrong way." I could already see the cocky facade crumbling. "I love you, I really love you. You turn me on, you get me like so few people do. But I'm in love with Sam."  
"You're choosing him. I get it. I'm sorry I... Made you uncomfortable."  
"Can we keep this between us? I really don't want things to get weird with the three of us. I want us to be friends. Ok?"  
"Couldn't agree more." He looked as relieved as I felt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning Dean went out leaving Sam & I alone for the first time in... Who knows.  
I didn't want anything to seem to different so when I sauntered into the kitchen I was wearing my tiniest sleep shorts & my typical under shirt. I don't normally get dressed until after breakfast. Sam usually likes me barefoot, I think he has a bit of a closeted foot fetish. I made sure my feet were clean with my heels filed, painted my toenails a pale pink.  
I was digging through the fridge & pulled out all the berries I could find. I put some in the blender to make syrup & the rest went into the pancakes as they were poured onto the griddle. I boiled the syrup, adding a little sugar.  
Sam strolled in freshly showered from his run, he made himself a cup of coffee. "Smells great."  
"Mmhmm." I put the food on the table & poured the syrup into a mug.  
I sat down across from him, made sure to reach over the table for the syrup so he could get a peek down my shirt.  
"Where's Dean? I figured he'd be here by now."  
"He went out, told me to tell you not to wait up."  
"Is he on a job?"  
"Nah, he probably just needs to get laid."  
He looked confused. "Wait, I thought... You two..."  
"No, of course not. Why would you think I'd slept with Dean?"  
"Well I know you were both interested. You've been getting along really well lately, I just thought... You know what, forget I said anything."  
"Hey, your brother is great, he's just not the guy for me."  
"Really?"  
"Yea, really. We agreed to just be friends."  
"What brought that on?"  
"Well there's this guy. Funny, handsome, romantic, really good in bed, he's a total catch. I think I'm in love with the poor guy." I wink at him from across the table taking my first bite of pancake.  
"Is it really all that bad?"  
"It is. I'm to damaged to know what a real relationship looks like. I've hurt him in the past. I'm stubborn, I'm an alcoholic with rage issues who recently quit drinking again. I'm a drug addict, I just haven't partaken in a long time. I'm addicted to sex, it took me way to long to build up a tolerance to hanging out with his brother without wanting to jump him. I have no doubt in my mind he'd be happier with someone else, but there is nobody I want more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were never officially married, I still wore the ring. I never found the use in a piece of paper telling me who I would spend the rest of my life with. We never got around to having children either, not that they weren't wanted. They never stopped hunting, I stayed at home & took over Bobby's job after Garth died. The bunker had the right resources & enough technology for everything I needed.  
It was everything I never knew I always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this was probably the worst thing I ever wrote. Don't worry, if you all hate it or I get no comments it'll be the last one.


End file.
